The journal of open connections
Date with confidence
Practical steps before, during and after a first date.
Decide what you are comfortable sharing. You do not owe a new contact your home address, workplace, identity documents or intimate images.
Before meeting
Decide what you are comfortable sharing. You do not owe a new contact your home address, workplace, identity documents or intimate images. Take your time and keep control over the conversation.
Make a simple plan
Choose a public place, arrange your own transport and let a trusted person know where you are going. A call beforehand can help you prepare, but does not guarantee someone’s identity or intentions.
Notice pressure
Requests for money, investment offers or login codes are reasons to stop. Never send money to someone you have only met online. You can end a conversation and block a contact without explaining yourself.
Consent stays specific
Agreeing to coffee is not agreeing to touch, a photograph or a visit home. Ask rather than assume. Anyone can change their mind. You are free to leave if you feel uncomfortable.
After the date
Choose whether to meet again without guilt. A clear, kind message is enough. If harassment or fraud occurs, keep useful evidence and use the service’s reporting tools.
Where should you go on a first date?
A busy café, an easy-to-reach terrace or a cultural venue with a reception area let you talk without planning a whole afternoon. Focus above all on the practical side: can you get there and leave by your own means, are there staff on site, does the place suit you in terms of accessibility and budget? A well-known address does not guarantee safety. Suggest a short length of time that you can extend together if you both feel like it. Avoid giving out your home as a meeting point. If the location changes at the last minute to somewhere isolated, you can stick to your original suggestion or cancel.
How do you say you would rather take your time?
You can write: “I’m enjoying this conversation. I’d rather keep chatting here a little longer before planning to meet.” If you do want to meet the person, a specific suggestion can still be gentle: “A coffee early on Saturday afternoon would suit me; maybe just an hour to start with?” You do not have to apologize for your pace. Notice, too, how someone reacts to a simple boundary. A person can be disappointed and still respect it; guilt-tripping, threats or repeated insistence are not signs of sincerity. Do not feel obliged to speed up just to avoid losing a conversation.
What if the spark isn’t there?
The impression left by a written conversation can differ from the one you get face to face. That does not mean anyone did anything wrong. You can end the date at the agreed time, say thank you for the conversation and decide afterwards what comes next. If you already know you do not wish to continue, a short message avoids leaving someone in ambiguous expectation: “Thanks for the coffee. I didn’t feel a wish to continue, and I’d rather tell you simply.” You do not have to debate your choice. If the exchange becomes threatening, put your safety first and seek help suited to the situation.
A little preparation that leaves room for spontaneity
Before you leave, check your route, your phone battery and a way to get home. Decide what you would like to share without preparing a performance. Two subjects you truly love are worth more than a list of questions to get right. During the date, you can slow down, change the subject or ask for a break. Afterwards, ask yourself less whether you were convincing than whether you felt listened to. These pointers apply to women, men, LGBTQIA+ people and couples: each person keeps their own power to decide.
Sources and resources
Cybermalveillance.gouv.fr (FR)
General guidance: no meeting, absolute safety or reply is guaranteed. Mad in Love, Mad2Moi and Madintouch share an owner but have distinct roles.
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